The Fifty Shades of Grey trailer is out.
First of all, I’m not supposed to have flashbacks to when I read The Bloody Chamber by Angela Carter, right? This is supposed to be based on someone’s Twilight fan fiction and not the Bluebeard story? Because the trailer certainly makes it look like Christian Grey is murdering women and hiding the bodies in his Red Room.
…What? I learn things from the internet and that one billboard in Alabama.
I’m also a little disappointed in Beyoncé for this. ‘Crazy In Love’ now sounds like a stalker anthem not unlike Garbage’s ’No. 1 Crush’ from the Romeo + Juliet soundtrack. Well, I guess works better than ‘Partition,’ which is at least consensual crazy sex. Can’t be doing safe, sane, and consensual here. No sir.
And maybe this last point is just me, but no one in this film looks devastatingly attractive? I thought Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele were supposed to be these extremely beautiful individuals? Ana looks kind of normal, but not in that way they try to make Anne Hathaway look normal in the beginning of The Devil Wears Prada. As for Jamie Dornan, he’s got abs for days, but his face doesn’t really do it for me. Granted, neither does Charlie Hunnam really, so maybe I’m just hard to please.
(Insert sigh of relief here that Hunnam is not in this film and that we’re getting a Pacific Rim 2. Poor Max Martini though…)
Still, if you’re into movies based on books that were slightly reworked from someone’s badly written fan fiction, 50 Shades of Grey comes on on February 13, 2015. If you want to read better adventures of a Sex Batman, Sex Criminals #6 is out now with #7 coming out on August 13, 2014.